Anxiety Is Not A Choice

There are times with my mental health where I feel as though I’m getting somewhere. I don’t feel like I have a human-sized paperweight on my chest at all times and that voice in my head telling me how worthless I am is silent. Perhaps more frustrating than all of that is feeling almost good and crashing back down because of something small. A broken glass, a thoughtless sentence, a heavy atmosphere, or just nothing at all.

So when I hear and see people try to explain how certain mental illnesses aren’t real, that something is just some personality quirk that you refuse to try and break, perhaps caused by poor diet, well… Frankly, it pisses me off.

To live with mental illness is not a choice, it’s a prison. For me, personally, my diet and fitness levels were not an issue when my depression and anxiety first developed. Heck, I don’t even know when I developed them. I mean, the first time I went to a doctor about any of this was around the age of 16 or 17, but there’s a chance it could go back to my childhood. I had a decent childhood, but of course it wasn’t perfect and I still don’t know what effect certain things had on my mind. I started comfort eating in my early teens, lost the weight, got really depressed, and at some point went back to comfort eating. It was not and has never been a choice.

Actually, without the mental illness, I’m a generally happy, outgoing kind of person who loves to laugh and find the magic in most things. That is the person I try to project onto the internet. I don’t like my mental illnesses, why wouldn’t I want them gone? But sadly they are a part me, and have been for anywhere between 12 and 21 years, and even my doctor said it might just be something I’m stuck with. Fun, eh?

To put mental illness into perspective, particularly depression and anxiety; imagine wading through a heavy bog, in a rainstorm, alone (because everybody else is either on the other side or fighting through their own storms). You fall sometimes because heck, it’s slippery, and you get mucky but you do get up, yet still it’s an ongoing struggle.

That’s what it’s like, for me at least. It’s arduous and sometimes you might get tired and need to stop to rest before continuing on. You can’t just stop being there, it’s a process, and who’s to say you won’t end up in another one further along your path?

I would love to be rid of all of this and just get on with life without seemingly simple things stopping me in my tracks and being stuck on medication for years on end, I would, but it’s not a reality. I always try to do better, and maybe one day I’ll get there, but as things are right now, when I hear that my mental illness is just a construct… I can certainly understand the reasoning from a person who doesn’t have that firsthand knowledge, but all it does is lead those of us who do to end up in the “I’m a worthless failure” spiral.

So perhaps think before you speak and pass judgment on those who may be struggling with caution. We need more kindness in the world, not more judgement.

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4 thoughts on “Anxiety Is Not A Choice

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  1. That is a pretty silly statement. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I had symptoms from it (like excessive sweat in the palm of the hands) since I was a child. When I became 18, and still didn’t know what I had, I completely broke and spent most of my days at home, in the dark in the bed. I didn’t start taking a medication until later and that helped me to become somewhat stable.

    Once I felt stable enough I asked my psychiatrist to stop taking the medication as it felt my head feel a little weird. I haven’t taken any medication since then and I am still stable enough.

    So, no, I can say for sure it isn’t some invention from the evil medical industry. The only invention are these silly conspiration theories that keep trying to find evil where it doesn’t exist so people can feel like they are some kind of underdogs.

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    1. I’m glad you were able to overcome that. ❤ I've had evenings like that I wouldn't wish on anybody. It just feels worse somehow when it comes from an extremely well read individual whose thoughts I usually respect.

      Ah well. ^^

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate. Like you there isn’t some event in my life I can just point and say “Here, this is where things started to go wrong and it is why I am the way I am now” it just happened during my early teenage years and got increasingly worse as time went by.

    Nowadays I’d say I am stable (not happy, mind you, stable) but there is a lot in my life that needs to be changed and I still get into bouts of deep depression from time to time.

    And yeas, I also find it really irritating when some people just dismiss it as “not a real problem” or that all we have to do is get enough willpower to get over it.

    Anyway, I still hope that one day all of us who suffer from depression can overcome it. It is one of those things that nobody should suffer through.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *squish hugs Rakuno* To be specific.. I saw somebody say that chronic anxiety and other related illnesses are made up by pharmaceutical companies in order to sell drugs to people with personality quirks not helped by diet and exercise. I was flabbergasted. So I wrote this post. 😀

      And I agree. In the meantime, we can support each other, and I’m super glad for all the lovely, LOVELY people in the Moogle’s Pom community. I wish to squish all your faces. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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